Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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