but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
