Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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