Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
