I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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