Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
