Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
