I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
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Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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