Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
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hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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