I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
