foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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