Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
