u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
