My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
