dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
