the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
