They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
