You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
