i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
