4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
