Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
