I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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