I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
