This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
