i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
