I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
