Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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