We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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