I love black thongs
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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