just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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