He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
