I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
