I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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