he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.