Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.