Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dear god my vagina.
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