I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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