I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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