There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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