after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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