hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
