Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
