Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
