i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
