what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
