It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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