When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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