god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
