So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
