my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
