Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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