I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
