If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
