This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
