if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
